Bitter

"I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long"
-Lamentations 3:1-3

Why?
This question won't leave.
Why?
My answer? Have faith...why am I asking when God is in control
But the question remains
Why?
I feel destitute. I have been forced to be dependent, but on who?
On God?
On people?
On both?
I don't know that I understand this storm and I don't know that I ever will
but unlike the people of lamentation, my cry has found an answer
and for that I am forever greatful. Forever Grateful.
I am not alone
I am not alone
and God is not the one who has done this to me.
God has been faithful. He has given me peace and refuge.
He has brought be to a place where I feel loved an cared for.
And he is the one that I love. God - you are the one that I love.
So I will praise you in this storm, and as I lift my hands, You Are who You Are, no matter where I am.
But who are you?
You hit me with this question time and again. Who are you?
I know that you will sustain me because you are good, but I am not convinced that you will sustain me because you love me.
And I do know that you embody love. I know that all over scripture the reason why you delivered Israel and sent us a savior is because you were filled with love. And that includes me. Beyond what I can understand or imagine, you love me. But I don't understand that. I'm afraid to write that I don't know that I believe that.
But how can I question when there is so much good? I am beyond blessed. Have I forgotten? Is this the point?
God, I don't know what your plan is in this. I don't know how much of this is from you and how much isn't. I don't know how to seek you in this storm. But I want to be a woman who will praise you anyway. I want to be a woman who is so confident in your love for me that I can stand boldly in faith and know without question that you will sustain me. I want you to bring me to that place. I want to learn to stand confidently in your love for me. Isn't that why you sent the Isrealites into captivity? So that they would learn to turn to you and depend on you? Please teach me through this. Please don't let my struggles be in vain. I dream to serve you in ways that are beyond my imagination. I dream to see your glory revealed and to take great joy from that. God I will be your servant and I will praise you now and always, regardless of the storm. I will because you have already promised to sustain me. I will because you promise to make me a better person than I was before. So I sit with open hands, needing to remind myself every moment that you are Good and merciful, and most of all that you Are Love.