Swords

And that night I fell asleep with all my clothes on

And drops of tears still on my pillow

And burning my face

And as I drifted off I saw you and me

We faced each other

Both of us held swords

And we swung violently

With no rhyme or reason

For the sole purpose of getting our point accross

And we covered our faces in defense

And our wounds grew deeper

And so did the space between us

And just as we felt as though we couldn't push on any longer

We both looked up

And we saw each others eyes

Each with a hint of a tear

And we dropped those swords that we held so tightly before

And we ran toward each other

And I held you

And you held me

And we remembered what it felt like not to want to let go

And we remembered what love felt like

But as our tears fell on our wounds it burned

And we let go.

And we picked our swords back up

And continued swinging

...and that was the last time I saw your eyes

...so I guess that's why they call them dreams

I wrote this back in 2002 - so emo.

Open Hands

I know what it is to be a lepper
I know what it is to have once been able to feel crevices and details, but to now not notice intricacies.
I know what it is to forget what soft feels like.
To forget what rough feels like
To forget what pain feels like.
And I don't know which is worse.

And part of me is so angry and I want to clench my fists
but I can't
And part of me is so desperate that I need to stretch out my hands
but I can't
And part of me just needs to hold on
but I can't hold anything

So I sit
with hand resting on knees
Open only as far as they will fall on their own

But my hands are open.

My hands are open to the knowledge that you have healed leppers with nothing more than water
with nothing more than words
My hands are open to the promise that you love me more than I will ever know or understand
and my hands are open to the hope that I will one day be able to open my hands

But until that day
I sit
with hands resting on knees
open to the promise of you.

Bitter

"I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long"
-Lamentations 3:1-3

Why?
This question won't leave.
Why?
My answer? Have faith...why am I asking when God is in control
But the question remains
Why?
I feel destitute. I have been forced to be dependent, but on who?
On God?
On people?
On both?
I don't know that I understand this storm and I don't know that I ever will
but unlike the people of lamentation, my cry has found an answer
and for that I am forever greatful. Forever Grateful.
I am not alone
I am not alone
and God is not the one who has done this to me.
God has been faithful. He has given me peace and refuge.
He has brought be to a place where I feel loved an cared for.
And he is the one that I love. God - you are the one that I love.
So I will praise you in this storm, and as I lift my hands, You Are who You Are, no matter where I am.
But who are you?
You hit me with this question time and again. Who are you?
I know that you will sustain me because you are good, but I am not convinced that you will sustain me because you love me.
And I do know that you embody love. I know that all over scripture the reason why you delivered Israel and sent us a savior is because you were filled with love. And that includes me. Beyond what I can understand or imagine, you love me. But I don't understand that. I'm afraid to write that I don't know that I believe that.
But how can I question when there is so much good? I am beyond blessed. Have I forgotten? Is this the point?
God, I don't know what your plan is in this. I don't know how much of this is from you and how much isn't. I don't know how to seek you in this storm. But I want to be a woman who will praise you anyway. I want to be a woman who is so confident in your love for me that I can stand boldly in faith and know without question that you will sustain me. I want you to bring me to that place. I want to learn to stand confidently in your love for me. Isn't that why you sent the Isrealites into captivity? So that they would learn to turn to you and depend on you? Please teach me through this. Please don't let my struggles be in vain. I dream to serve you in ways that are beyond my imagination. I dream to see your glory revealed and to take great joy from that. God I will be your servant and I will praise you now and always, regardless of the storm. I will because you have already promised to sustain me. I will because you promise to make me a better person than I was before. So I sit with open hands, needing to remind myself every moment that you are Good and merciful, and most of all that you Are Love.

Believing Love

Does love exist when you don't believe in it?  Is it possible that people can love us all they want to but if we don't recieve it it's as if it was never there at all?  What role does recieving love play in love?  

Life Laid Bare

I wonder often why it is that we aren't better at hiding things.  

If it were up to me,

 my life would go on entirely in private 

and no one would be any wiser about all 

of those embarrassing things that I go through day by day, 

but unfortunately that is not the case.   

Unfortunately people find out about all

those embarrassing things that I go through day by day.  

And they laugh about all

those embarrassing things that I go through day by day.  

So I laugh about all

those embarrassing things that I go through day by day.  

But I'm not sure they are really all that funny.  

and I'm not sure 

that my laughter is really

 an accurate reflection 

of my heart.  

and I'm not sure

 that my laughter is really

 an accurate reflection 

of my pain.  

and I'm not sure 

that my laughter is really a reflection.

but I am sure 

that my laughter 

is really 

a deflection.

So  like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden

I find myself covering my shame with a fig leaf

and everyone is gazing through its holes

So I laugh 

because my fig leaf has holes in it

and if I'm laughing I don't know that anyone is looking through the holes in it

but the truth is

everyone is looking through the holes in it

and My shame 

is laid bare

My life 

is laid bare

My pain 

is laid bare

and my laughter

 is a lie

So I find a leaf without holes

but it's still 

a leaf

and my bossoms are still    

bare

my midriff still        

bare

my buttox still   

bare

I am still 

bare.

So I pray to God to hide me from my shame

but then I remember

that in the garden

 we were not created with shame

I am created to be 

laid bare

So when do I drop the leaf?